watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
