I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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