6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
