i just wanna soil my oats bro
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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