People with herpes should wear stickers.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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