I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
