guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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