I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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