I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
