I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
