Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
