from now on my penis is your penis
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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