I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
