He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
