How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
