How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
