shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
