You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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