so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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