I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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