btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
