just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Drunk is not a location!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
