i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
