omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
