Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
