I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This is my gift to your gina
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
