Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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