Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
