Your mouth is God's brothel.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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