he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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