Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
