I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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