it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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