I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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