apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
