I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
