I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
