On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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