nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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