Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
