Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
