somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
