remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
