Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
