So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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