If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is Oprah even human
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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