So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
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I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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