not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
