Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
