im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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