I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
