I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
