Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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