I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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