There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
