im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My penis needs a shock collar
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
