I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
