So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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