he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
porn star boner night. come get it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
