i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
