I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
